
Question.
Laura,
I’d like to commend your actions in putting aside past hurts with your ex-boyfriend in an effort to make communication easier for your daughters’ sake. I’m also glad to hear that at some point your daughter’s attention deficit was assessed and was correctly treated. Great job mom!
I’d like to commend your actions in putting aside past hurts with your ex-boyfriend in an effort to make communication easier for your daughters’ sake. I’m also glad to hear that at some point your daughter’s attention deficit was assessed and was correctly treated. Great job mom!
It sounds like your daughter is undergoing the process of Individuation. Simply put, Individuation is a normal and healthy process by which a child begins to move from the oneness they have experienced with their mother since birth, and begins to develop and understand their own desires. It is when children begin a process of developing their own unique, separate identity. The process begins during toddlerhood but is usually “felt” by parents during early to middle adolescence and is usually characterized when your child begins to say “no”.
Your 15 yr old daughter expressing that she no longer wants to see her father is a reflection of not only her individuation, but of a need to protect herself from pain, be it rejection, neglect, or disapproval from her father. It is important that she continue to sense that you understand and appreciate her feelings, allowing her to continue to feel a sense of safety when talking and sharing with you. In other words, give her the space to decide when she would like to see her father again. Hopefully, her father will reach out to her to repair the fractured relationship and open up communication in how his actions hurt her. Forcing her to see her father will not only create strain in your relationship with her, but may create a pressure that she must do as you say, in order for her to feel approved by you.
In no way am I suggesting you move into a permissive parenting style by allowing her to make a decision. Continue to parent your daughter by providing guidance, protection, boundaries and rules in love, while giving your daughter freedom to express her emotions.
Like you suggested, family counseling would be ideal to facilitate a welcoming and safe environment for your entire family to share their hearts and work through the difficult dynamic of a separated family. After some research, I found Insight Counseling in Rockford, IL. They are “an association of Christian professionals who provide assessment and therapy with compassion and care.”
Praying God will bring healing, wholeness, and peace your way, In Jesus’ Name.
Vanessa Cruz, MA, LPC